We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
