Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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