I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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