Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
