Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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