I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
