I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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