Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
After tacos, we're chasing women.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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