The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
