Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
