Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
