final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
