3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
