Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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