If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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