Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
