Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
