I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
