I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
