Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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