apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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