you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
