This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
