foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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