Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
