I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
