Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
