I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
