The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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