I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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