This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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