1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
