I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
