my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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