I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
