Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
