Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have feelings that need drinking.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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