I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
what day is it and did you see me today?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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