guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
