I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
