I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I understand Curling. That high.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
