My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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