it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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