im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
