My liver just broke up with me...
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
