i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
