didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
