Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Someone signed my nipple.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
