I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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