Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
