I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
