dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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