He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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