there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
